Light On Dark Water

Some months ago in a discussion here Francesca Murphy made a remark that has stuck with me, because I think there’s a lot of truth in it:

…it made me wonder whether some male / female arguments come down to misunderstanding, whereas female on female disagreements can go up in smoke because of too much understanding…

(“It” was something I said; see below for context.)

I thought of this recently when I read the following passage from Elizabeth Goudge’s Pilgrim’s Inn. Nadine is the daughter-in-law of the elderly Lucilla; David is the grandson of Lucilla; Damerosehay is Lucilla’s beautiful and beloved home:

“I only hope, Grandmother,” said Nadine, her pent-up pain surging out in sudden bitterness, “that this wife of David’s will appreciate Damerosehay and its treasures. You know, it’s all a bit out of date.”

It was a cruel thing to say, and the moment she had said it Nadine could have bitten her tongue out. She dared not look at Lucilla’s face, but she saw her brace her shoulders and saw her fingers fumbling over the raisins.

Nadine goes on to feel terrible about what she said for the next day or so. What struck me about this was that a man (or at least a great many men) could very well have said the same thing Nadine did, and meant absolutely no harm by it. Even if he knew how much Lucilla loved Damerosehay, he still could have made this remark innocently, speculating in a purely objective and detached way about how a young woman might react to the house. I mean, it is out of date in many ways; the time is the late ‘40s, and the house (19th century or older) lacks some modern conveniences. Moreover, and, possibly worse from the female point of view, he might well not have realized that he’d said anything wrong unless the woman communicated it in no uncertain terms; most likely a mere bracing of the shoulders and fumbling over raisins would not have done it. And if she lashed out at him he would be baffled, and perhaps angry himself, feeling that he had done nothing to deserve her anger.

On the other hand, both Nadine and Lucilla are perfectly clear about what has happened. Nadine intended to wound, and succeeded, and they both know it.

I’m not drawing any particular lesson or broader insight from this; I just find it fascinating. I think I’ve seen this sort of thing happen, or been in the position of the hypothetical man saying something similar, and not realized what was going on. I work in a predominantly female environment of office workers, and I think it goes on around me a lot there without my being entirely aware of it.

Francesca in her comment added another layer of potential complexity: “or at least, too much ‘understanding’”

Here is the comment of mine to which Francesca was responding. And here is the very trivial post which started that conversation. You just never know around here…

http://js-kit.com/for/lightondarkwater.com/comments.js